Friday, 24 March 2017

Finally, A Title Shot!

I need your help. I will be starting a boxing for Parkinson's program (Rock Steady) next month and I am seeking an appropriate ring name You know,  one of those Trumped-up exaggerated, hyperbolically - often to a alternate truthian extent monikers that boxers oh-so-covet to build their brands around. Behold, the classics: The Italian Stallion (Rocky Balboa) Marvelous (Marvin Hagler), or "Iron" Mike Tyson)

 In its efforts to seek the best name, Parkinson's Wake Corporation is sponsoring a contest for readers to suggest the most appropriate name for Blair. As my debut in he ring is April 3rd, I will set a deadline of 6pm April 2nd.I want to enter the ring my first day with my ring name and DIY reputation in place. Under no circumstance do I want to be like the no-name puppy brought home from the pound whose owners wait for an incident to name it. Like it shits on the floor and has to live with being called Turd for the rest of its life. I want to be the master of my pugilistic destiny
The name should reflect some reality. For example, you may suggest a name that reflects some symptomatic aspect of Parkinsons, ie my dexterity "Hands of Stone", - Roberto Duran], or my speech: the "Humbler Mumbler, or one that carries some historical accuracy, such as "The Golden Boy" (Oscar de la Hoya)
My personal favorites are: the self-deprecating RAZ the SPAZ Rasmussen, "Blair da' Generate" Rasmussen denoting my medical category, and  the "Great Dane" referring to my somewhat distant Nordic heritage.
Readers taking up the challenge, will immediately notice that hyperbole is the name of the game - but there are limits. For example, if you elect to go with the name of "Bone Crusher", it's probably best if your friends do not describe your build as "wispy" (Keeping in mind that found that it takes 1700psi to break the average bone ) (Where the Heck would they find their volunteers?) It is in my estimation that one should go no lower than "burly" if you had to accept the Bonecrusher tag.. One last point. While it will be your ability to punch and take a punchthat will determine how far and how fast you progress up the ranks - stats have shown conclusively that fighters with similar, or related names tend to be matched together.So you'd pit Tommy "The Hitman" Hearns with Clive "The Mortician"Mortimer.
In my humble opiniono, the oft-used name "Pretty Boy" should be avoided at all costs - as it can be classified under the names that have a compensatory function. (Unless of course your mate surely does find you handy...)
The individual suggesting the winning ring name will receive a ringside seat at my first title shot, 10% of all future fight purses, and an even split of proceeds from all promotions.(Bobblehead dolls,etc.)
I hear ya bellyaching all ready. 'Blair's got a headstart, he's taken all the good ones!" Oh you big baby! There are tons more. How about the "Snarky Parky" - there, I made that up just now! Stop wasting precious time and email your entries to To my chagrin, I now read that the workouts are non-contact. With this final piece of news, one can only assume that word of my stupendous punching power has been leaked to organizers. What is this? Intramural touch football? Peewee hockey with no body checking? Gonna have to change my brand marketing yet again.  Hey - what the heck is my brand - will you guys hurry up with those names?

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