Friday, 3 June 2016

Dr. Rasmussen, I Presume?

Dr Rasmussen, I Presume?

(This is a verey long entry that your browser may cut off near the end. Just look for a <read more> link near the bottom.)

Here at the  Parkinson's Wake we live for the truth,.And not just in our thoughtful prose - but in our actions.We are absolutely committed to stumbling the walk as well, In the offce here Bernie may need to use his walker, and Clyde may freeze up like a popsicle, and I may just look like I’m pissed but technically we'll be walking all the same. Occasionally readers ask if we are so reverent about the truth, how does so much rubbish find its way into the blog?

 How does that saying go? One man's rubbish is another mans “Bloggie Award?” Fear not glum readers with furrowed brows - This entry is about family , so1 you know what that means...The unadulterated truth. Blood is thicker than BS, I say. Even if this so-called brother did fashion a shank from some scrap metal from the prison shop, then when the warden was distracted,  cut me for 5 stitches on the finger.All for not passing him the butter fast enough. That was when I was 10. I still bear the scars - my only visible evidence of my 18 years in the “Big House.” But Rasmussen boys don’t hold grudges
Snap!! Did you hear that? That was the sound of me putting my kid gloves on :)

But shortly you will understand and appreciate why with the task at hand I may have no choice but to dredge up potentially embarrassing details of incidents early in life as they may testify as to how our subject may react under pressure. But I urge all readers that while I do bear scars from my youth, my brothers have for the most part grown into fine men - OK as long as you have a neurodegenerative disease that will likely dim your memory of these distant painful incidents.

When Brian first hatched" Paddle For Parkinson's", his Big Adventure to paddle to  Alaska up the Inside Passage, my mind raced to uncover his more nefarious motivations.  The possibilities were distilled down to two: 1) He sought to wrest the favourite Son crown from my head. 2) It was a depraved attempt replace me  as the families unofficial “ Shackleton”  given my 11,0000 km bicycle trek 16 years ago across the country.. Without means to prove those allegations, I had no choice and was forced to accept the third. That he was simply a <sound of blogger clearing his throat>nice guy(s) doing an awesome deed.

Someone asked me how much of a part his neurodegenerate brother plays in their motivations. To which I replied, “Well, I would think that unless your weiner dog looks more like a bratwurst, it would be unlikely for you to fund raise for the Society For Plus-Sized Weiner Dogs

Now the kerfuffle - there is a groundswell of potential supporters that might like to donate but are finding a dearth of background info on the boys. Brian seems to think he can remain Clark K0ent-like, replying, “Its not about me.”  As a favour to my brother, I have gone ahead and installed myself as his unofficial  totally unauthorized Press Secretary. Volunteer for now, we can talk compensation later if there are book deals or an appearance on Ellen. My job requires a rather delicate balancing act. As Brian's brother I am here to unveil his super-hero side, and protect him from the dark forces out there not fond of people who think big. On The other side of the coin are my responsibilities as a quasi-tabloid journalist to dig through his trash and get my readership up beyond my extended family.

Indeed there was a dearth of information about Brian and Spencer. My take was that whether the trek is a polar exploration, or you are paddling the Inside Passage -  investors or supporters simply seek some confirmation that they are backing a winner, that when they arrive at the track, they will be greeted by  a thoroughbred not a Clydesdale, ie. by Secretariat, not Mr. Ed.
 I am thinking the best format  maybe to answer my readers questions and allegations head-on..
Lets peel back a few of the layers of the onion that is Dr Rasmussen...The following are concerns that have come across my desk.

Many readers have been questioning Brian's occupation as suitable preparation for an adventure of this magnitude. I can understand their concern as historically expeditions of  this order have usually

been undertaken by individuals from the more  traditional and culturally  accepted occupations such as Cartographer, Trapper, and or Drunken White colonizer

I Said "Bring the Liquid -The Dryer Sheets will Be Useless up Here 

I will not dignify his one with an answer but will include t as it is indicative of much of the crap I have to wade through lately. This one comes from Dave in Langley: I don't know about you guys in the OK Valley but the Social Workers I know here on the Lower Mainland are all... well, let's just say they are he type of people that fabric softener was  invented for. Know what mean? A bunch of Palmolives. A bun...

This One Picks Up The Mauve In The Seat Cushions Better

Most of us would not consider the Ivory Tower world of academia to contain anything remotely resembling adventure, unless you are a Professor of Archaeology, for as we know they all look like Harrison Ford and race around the streets of Bangkok looking for lost cities, while the balance resign themselves to lives of quiet desperation, trying to make a mark in their chosen field, pursuing tenure and fretting over their choice of camper options for their sabbatical (Leather or  Naugahyde?


If Your Paddling Partner Doesn’t Find You Handy...

I once saw a Social Worker wielding a chain saw - and it scared the dickens outta me. Brian is no Tim “The Toolman” Taylor - he would be the first to admit that. However the latest rumour making the rounds is sure to send a chill up the spine of`every self-respecting handyman out there. The word out of the garage is that Brian's toiletry kit is bigger than his toolbox. I would like to categorically deny that this is a we confirmed it this morning with a  measurement. Does this mean that Brian places a priority of smelling nice over having the ability to fix his kayak? Possibly.

Fear not, we have support systems in place We have set up Brian with a direct satellite line line to his brother John (the craftiest SOB west of the Rockies) Macguyver rules apply. We have  are strict rules in place describing an acceptable event: No feelings, just the facts. The following example may help you understand our criteria: The zipper on toiletry kit stuck (OK) 2) How he feels about his son rolling his eyes at him (Not OK) 3)  Requests confirmation whether Righty tighty, lefty Goosy is correct (OK).  Brian will be given one lifeline. emergency call to John per day.

Many are questioning the unabashed nepotism with this expedition. Shackleton arrived in London to a stampede of 4000 applicants for his 22 positions on his famous expedition to the South Pole. Was there  an interview process at all for Paddle For Parkinson's? Think about it, with a little more transparency your kid  might have been Shackled to an aging Social Worker for 5 weeks. A little transparency can go a long way.
Did Brian interview Spencer, or did Spencer interview Brian?
Artists rendering of Rasmussen family meeting just prior to the troops shipping out for their epic trip west with Mom. I looks As if the boys are pretty pumped for a road trip.Brian seems to be preparing for  one of his amateur therapy sessions. Linda, seems to be using up one of her lifelines, pleading to either her maker, or children's services for an emergency intervention
"Mr Rasmussen, tell me about your most memorable expedition to date, its challenges, and how you overcame them. Well Mr Rasmussen,  I would have to say that our family's trans Canada trek to Alberta in 68 has been the most transformative. One intrepid Mother, one Polaris 500 station wagon,  a troop of six hellions, and 2000 miles, and a pint size nascent blogger in the rear seat reciting his ABC's. This trip gave mom the stage to show mental strength, positivity, and  fabulous opportunity to demonstrate what an absolute pillar of strength she was for our family.
She sounds amazing!
Indeed, she was and still is amazing

Only His Hairdresser Knows

 There are several rumours swirling around regarding the  use of appearance enhancing hair products Currently banned under the  rules enforced by the governing body, the WEEOMLLCAPGG  World Epic Expedition and Other Mid/Late Life Crises Absurd Plans Governing Group. Brian has managed to elude post-trip drug testing every time previously but is his luck running out He refuses to speak to  these  non issues stating that he simply likes to remain eligible for the ginger class  in masters rowing regattas

THe Man, The Myth, The Advil

I have never spent any time in jail. But I ave often found and borrowed metaphors from life in the “Big House”. whether its prison, the Rasmussen minimum security, or nature, the same rules govern,. Its Fight or Flight - and as a rule , Brian chose the latter. Hence Brian possesses an excellent aerobic system which should stand him in good stead for the trek. However there is a reason Brian tended to run. Sadly Brian's genetic “lump of coal"  left him poorly armed. He lacked the heavy artillery that his brothers received. This  left him ill-prepared for major hostilities.  Meaning, he was well suited for minor skirmishes from a distance, (names, spitballs, idle threats) but it became clear he was going to need to develop some alternate skills.

“Hmmm…. Bear spray? or the one about the Pope and  the Protestant psychotherapist?

Fortunately for the helping professions, Brian shrewdly decided that a razor sharp sense of humour would help him survive his formative years, and would also serve him well professionally. This well-honed ability to make others laugh may come in handy In the event they come across  any Bruins.  I'm not making this up! Bears have a basic understanding of humour. Search for yourself if you don't believe me We’ve been working on Brian's routine on facetime. He’s actually quite humorous.

As Brian's unofficial and totally unauthorized publicist I often need to shield him from the worst. Last week I received an email questioning whether Brian had the “spherical units to complete an expedition of this magnitude - given that he was a Lightweight rower in University. The gall!. I replied that as far as I knew, Brian had adequate spherical units and he could no longer make weight so it was a null issue,

A few words of advice for Spencer:

Bring earplugs - he’s a Rasmussen after all
Watch your knuckles at mealtimes
If you hear the following words:

 'It's time for the Possum Lodge word game", you are likely observing some of the earliest signs of a  Netflix underdose This condition will worsen over just a few days until you will observe the bodys total rejection of the current activity. There is no known treatment for this condition other than to get him back in front of the screen of an internet enabled device ASAP Either that, or play a few rounds of the Possum Lodge Wordgame.

Remember, I'm pulling for you guys. We\re all in this together

You can support these fellas, this grand adventure, and Parkinson's research by donating via the Parkinson Society of British Columbia: Paddle For Parkinson's

Boys, you no doubt are aware, once you get on this treadmill we call life it can be extremely difficult t get off. Kudos to you guys for making this happen. I guarantee that like my bike trip you will return changed. Better men, No, I don't think that is possiible.

Thanks for saving the plus-sized weiner dogs!

I'd love to hear from you!


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