Sunday, 21 June 2015

No Brain Cells Were Stimulated in the Writing of This Blog Entry

It was a sordid affair. Another of my surgically unconsummated flings. Left at the Deep Brain Stimulation altar for reasons which I cannot share without jeopardizing a pending book deal, I now look forward to a mid-July sequel. But not before leaving you with...

The Top 10 Explanations Why Blair's DBS Surgery Was Halted With Nary a Tickle...

10 The "procedure", was just a sampler - part of the hospital's “All Surgeries – One Day” promotion that gives ambitious patients the opportunity to non-invasively sample any surgery or procedure that they might like to pursue.

9 His team was operating on a strict "Didn't call - Won't Drill" policy.
8 He was flagged for a psych assessment and put on the “no-drill” list after his name was discovered on a list of patients with blogs "who make us look silly".
7 A security breach. Dr. Zeus from his “DBS dream” blog entry stormed into the operating room shouting “Blair said I could dig the first hole!” 6 Someone forgot to make the “Call Before you Drill” phone call. 5 Once the Frankenesque mask had been fitted, Blair,only had to croon a few bars before a serious earworm infestation took hold and brought the clinic to a standstill. It caught on in a flash, especially with the graveyard staff, he did the Mash... 4 Unbeknownst to Blair he had booked himself for the new DIY DBS plan where the hospital provides full gear rental and installation - as well a Cranial guidebook based on their own personal MRI imaging and local guides (Top Places To Explore While In the Subthalamic Nucleus, etc.)
3 The drill bit chosen was no match for my steely will - they had to retool. 2 Noting that the patient has had six surgeries (both consummated and not) within the last 5 years, the hospital gave him a four week suspension, pleading with his wife to "Please find the man a different hobby".. 
1  Blair was lanced from the surgery queue due to the detection of high levels of the performance-enhancing drug amoxicillin.

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