Saturday, 18 March 2017

Tom Jones, Phobias, and the Humour-Neutered Admin - A Rather Odd Prelude to Mom Raz Part 3

Q1) Oh Blair? Yoohooo... You in there? Have you run away with Tom Jones
?

A) No, just the same old writers block and other related issues.

Q2) Do you fear putting your intimate thoughts online?

A) of   Somewhat. I have  an  unnatural fear of the publishing button. No, I do not fear the button itself.  But  I am most certainly, aware of the possible consequence of pressing that darn  button. As all of my readers are well aware, I am capable of chewing my literary cud for weeks on end. Some say I store enough in there that I could host - and feed an entire book club Writing for me is a process much like composting, or making a meal in a slow cooker. There is trasformational process that ocurs. As in marinating a cheaper cut of meat - The les you put into the blog pot initially, the longer it may need to sit to mature.

Q3)  Blair, You big baby What is it exactly that you fear?

A) I am intimidated by the permanence and longevity of my intimate thoughts once I upload. Specifically, I have this recurring dream that down the road a few years I am disqualified from some opportunity because some extreme  Trumpian  vetting or background check uncovers some disqualifying information in one of my blog postings. Or worse that a wrongfull assumption is made that just because I  am a Rasmussen boy I face the same intelectual challenges and carry the same coding through life as my brothers.   The following examples illustrate three of the most common themes.

Ex. 1A).  A. Noble Undertaking
Nobel Prize Selection Comittee Member: I must say, Mr.  Rasmussen, we were very surprised to receive your application as the Nobel Prize for literature (blogging) is normally awarded - we do not sol applications, nor do we accept them. However the panel saw the boldness in your application as quite intriguing so we took a peek at your blog.  Panel member Sven's respose might be the most apt: "denna gud-awfull "alternate sanning" blogg är så illa otäck ABBA l åten Dancing Queen" while Bjorn, offered the incisive, but possibly less generous: "Han är en\ Cocky SOB är inte han? Det finns inget sätt han kan vara en Canuck"

Q3)  Blair, You big baby What pray-tell is it exactly that you fear?

 A) I am intimidated by the permanence and longevity of my intimate thoughts once I upload. Specifically, I have this recurring dream that down the road a few years I am disqualified from some opportunity because some extreme vetting or background check uncovers some disqualifying information in one of my blog postings. The following examples illustrate three of the most common themes.


Ex. 1 A Noble Undertaking
Nobel Prize Selection Comittee Member: I ust say, Mr. Rasmussen, we were very surprised to reeive your application as the Nobel Prize for literature (blogging) is normally awarded - we do not solicit applications, nor do we accept them. However the panel was intrigued by the boldness of your application so we took a peek at your blog.  Panel member Sven's respose might be the most apt: "denna gud-awfull "alternate sanning" blogg är så illa otäck ABBA slåten Dancing Queen" While Bjorn offred the insightful but possibly less generous: "Han är en Cocky SOB är inte ? Det finns inget sätt han kan vara en Canuck".

We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Ex.2) We're Not Fond Of Neither Your Ilk Nor Your Elk
Mr. Rasmussen, while we would love to have you as a resident of this nursing home but your background and the info gleaned primarily from reading your blog ha led us to conclude  you don't play well with others.Your appalling slanderous treatment of your brothers pales only in  comparison to the alternative facts you might have propaganda ted about the profession of social work - Like "social workers invented. fabric softener. Sorry, we don't think you will be a good fit for this home.
(Blogger: I did not say that fabric softener was invented BY social workers.  - I said that fabric softener was invented FOR social workers!

Ex.3) Alternative Alternative Facts
President: Mr. Rasmussen, we're gonna make you great again. You must be sick of losing. You're gonna be so healthy you're gonna be sick of being healthy.
    : Donald, er...Mr. President, you. know what neuroDUHgenerative means, right? How did you find me?
President: KellyAnne was headhunting for staff on some alternative truth blog where you were listed as one of the genres new up and comers.
Blogger: you know I stretch the truth for comedic value, right?
President: What is the chart with the plumetting line? Is  that your progress chart?
Blogger: Looks like it. but it is not. It is the trajectory of your administration as projected by the Parkinson's Wake Corporation
President: You neuoDUHgenerate!  You're. dead Ramussen. I'm gonna put you and your corporation into such a world of hurt, you're gonna wish that Parkinson's was your only worry.
Blogger: You're fired Donald

Q4) Do you write every day?

A) I try to, but if the words are not coming, I pack things up pretty quickly. Writing is just way too much work for me when the words don't come easily. I write best, when I enjoy my writing and I enjoy my writing when I  write my best. I totally get that you guys would love to hear from me a little more frequently than you do now. But in the end, I write for pleasure, and for therapy, and if I'm not getting either from it, then I simply will not pick up the pen.

Q5) At what point in the writing process do you get stuck?

A) Often very close to the finish. That is often why it is so exceedingly frustrating. It seems very easy for me to get 90% of my content on the page but when it comes time to create structure and decide on an endpoint for my ideas the neurons stop firing. It's like I need to learn how to be a "closer", to borrow some baseball vernacular. ie, someone who takes charge in the late stages, zings a few metaphorical fastballs, mops up a few messes, then is carried off on the shoulders of his readers - lik2 ely to a blog signing at Chapters.

Q6) Do you think you might need an editor to expedite the writing process?

A) While that might be prudent, I am not terribly fond of the idea. You see, I'm not very good at being told what to do. As anyone who lives with me will attest. My wife acts as more of an advisor than an editor. She is a good fit for the position as she is from a profession generally not known for leaving you in stitches. Unless you are a boomer from the golden era of education where corporal punishment ws still enjoyed Err... I mean employed. Seriously, have you ever seen a school administrator moonlight as a  clown? This dour demeanour is not necessarily their natural state - it is the desired default setting following admin leadership training.  Their no-nonsesnse appoach designed specifically to neutralize, or balance out the extreme silliness and lunacy that is middle school. 

Q6) Blair, not to sidetrack you by any means, but I'm curious what methods do they use to train the ha ha out of staff? Do they use those shock collars that they utilize to train the bark out of dogs?

A) I'm not sure. I have never been privy to their methods. (Their admin training is inflicted from the discomfort of  a nondescript concrete bunker on the edge of town  but I'm pretty sure that the answer would be no. As whether we are talking about the domestic situation at home, or school, the situation is the same - in this post-corporal punishment era, their bark IS their bite. So it would make absolutely no sense to train it out of them.  
                                                                                                           For conistencies sake, in order to minimize the variables, we focus on a few the we can control. The blog is always administered orally, at the end of a standard 12 hour  school day following a maximum of 2.5 glasses of red (California). As far as getting consistent results, timing is everything. Weeknights seem to be the optimal time to administer your blog, as the weekeds are typically taken up attempting unbelievable feats of nocturnal endurance.

At the end of the day if one can make a buttoned up middle school administrator smile - you've got a winner, Press that damn publish button. If you can make them laugh, start working on your acceptance speech. If you can make them laugh at themselves - polish up your Swedish.

"thwack, thwack, thwack"
 The distant sounds of an IKEA doghouse being assembled.


Ikea Assembler #1 (Lars) Det bloggerDude var en riktig dumbass va?
Ikea Assembler #2 (Sven) att bloggare är inte den skarpaste kniven i billiga ikea bambu kniv rack.                 

Ultimately, this blog entry is like no other. I feel like I only have one shot to get it right. While with some entries I may build to go back and edit after the fact I don't think that's the case when you're writing posthumously. Back to work. And thanks again for your considerable patience





I approve of most of this rubbish - in the sense that for the most part, it is grammatically correct. The content and message would be considered questionable for most well-adjusted individuals including most Swedish neurodegenerates that rely on free online translation. 

Blair's Wife